overwhelmed...

im at my wit's end currently...
first my mobile is broken
then i borrowed my roommate's
then i stupidly lost it last friday *damn!*

after that,on the very same friday i went to KLIA
with the rest of my relatives
to send my cousin off to Japan...she is studying there
we had to spend a night over at my uncle's house

however, when we got home only to realize
that some of our things was left there
its exahusting to return to bangi
just for the sake of picking up those things
and i ended up being blame for carelessness
my sister and i to be exact...

then i found out that several students of mine
*is it complaining or just pouring their hearts out*
are not happy with my teaching...
frankly i dont blame them...
i dont have the passion for teaching anyway
so go figure
im so sorry that u have to put up with
such novice yet unwilling to improve teacher...

im used to blaming myself
whenever things go wrong
which in the end
i suffer from anxiety attack
most of the time my hands will tremble continuously
my heart pounding so fast as if i have been running 24/7
another session of bottling up negative emotions
god~ sometimes i even think that
im not worth living.....

not saying out loud whatever that hurts me from the inside
i always find myself in defensive mode
and people make fun of it...
they claim im not open-minded
they claim im overly sensitive
they even claim that im a big cry-baby
WTF??


no matter how much i told myself
not to listen to them
not to take it to the heart
not to cry silently during sleep
i can never brace myself to obey
i always end up a mess
a disastrous mess as i always be

*positive is no longer an option*