before sunset i love you

remembering vividly one of the quotes from lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events,

"if you have never lost loved ones before, you cant possibly imagine how it feels."

which i strongly disagreed at first, just to realize how truthful it has always been.

we had to spent the break taking care of her since she is alone and all three of us are the only ones available.

in the beginning, the dreadful feelings took over the wheel because we thought that we have better things to do to fill our time with.

in the end, i couldnt be more grateful that i was there with her during her final days.

there were signs i guess but it never occurred to me that those WERE the signs for us before she leaves us.

i am, still, absolutely enraged when people (read: next of kins) would ask the three of us to revisit the way she passed. one or twice is sufficient, but more than five times has to be beyond unkind.

who was prepared for the passing? NONE OF US. she wasnt sick. she was in perfect health, apart form the insulin shots she had to get due to her diabetes. even that is monitored because she gave the shots herself.

all i can think of now is that she passed on a great month and great day. how i wish i can leave this world the same way she did :'(

dear allahyarhamah hajah azizah binti idris, you are greatly missed. though im not particularly expressive when it comes to emotions, i love you dearly. for everything you did for my family.

may ALLAH bless your wonderful soul. amin. al fatihah.

i'm smiling but im dying

i read an article recently about how women are hell occupants due to the fact that women tend to severe ties with others who have wronged them.

this definitely robs the daylight out of me. i know i am one of the many who was caught red-handed. but in my defense, i didnt severe ties, it is just that i lost touch with those people altogether. i did that to protect this weak and fragile heart of mine. and also to prevent any discomfort/awkwardness that may occur in the future.

but in your case, yes you,

if you think asking about your life means im prying, there is nothing i can do but to deal with it.

i did my part to be a better friend though we might not on constant-talking basis.

i tried salvaging what was left of it but you just wont let it come true.

despite all this, i wish you nothing but the best.

falling from cloud nine.

how do you pacify your love ones when they have been treated unfairly since before they can remember? just because one doesnt talk about it, it doesnt mean one is numb. cant feel anything. stone-cold. one just refuse to be too consumed with the darkness. it is already black as it is about to rain.

stuck in second gear.

at my age, i know i should think further.

i have been doing that since 08.

unfortunately, i cant bear to leave her just yet.

because i know,

deep down inside,

she wants to believe in him.

and i simply dont.

i feel very much the first born now.

with the second born's attitude of course.

the future seems undoubtably vague to me.

i shall hold on to her.

for as long as i can.

to the point i dont feel needed anymore.

what a feeling to feel.

intricate.

before it was bleeding lips, now bleeding nose.

aiyo. minum byk air lahhhhh >_<

random sayings.

1. if i were to be the salesperson, and another muslim wanted to buy the item that might be haraam, i would definitely let them know. just saying.

2. kalau setakat nak 3G dengan aku untuk gelakkan aku potong rambut pendek dan kau sendiri switch off kamera kau, BAIK TAK PAYAH.

3. despite the increasing stress level (read:research method), i managed to buy 2 items that are out of the ordinary. hope it is worth every penny spent.

4. i think i have started to feel annoyed by you in spite of all things we have been through together. what a waste. sigh

5. in reference to the statement above, people change. to better or worse. it is a choice made.

not that long ago...

aku pernah percaya kalau kita jumpa orang yang hampir sama rupa dengan kita, jodoh kita dgn orang itu kuat.

i dont know what i believe in anymore.

chuckles

so we went to LYP to buy a handphone for grandma.

we went to the same place as when we bought for mister GFN.

the salesperson is a chinese guy in his 20s i think.

the first time around, after we exchange goods and cash, i went to buy a beats audio's headphone in the next kiosk.

the salesperson actually joked that i didnt pay enough. we laughed obviously.

assuming that most guys would immediately jumped the gun to hit on us, he didnt. we were actually exchanging friendly banter.

another reason why i have a long time love affair with them oriental ;)

obsession!

my weird and illogical cravings to these things:

i get worked up when i saw her commenting my status.

i dont know why.

i secretly have this instinct telling me that she now KNOWS the whole story

and she just tries to get on my nerve.

it is bullshit if she tells me that she does not know anything.

you told her didnt you?

what confusion, misunderstanding.

at first i thought i was fine when i heard it the first time.

but these past few days, it got me thinking about it again.

the logic only applies when i had a RELATIONSHIP with you.

if lets say you dump me and you chose her over me.

the reality is we never had. we never even got the chance to go that far.

what possible reason you had to tell her things about me?

you want to show her that i am pathetic for not getting you?

and she is damn lucky to have you instead?

come on!

how old are you?

i am probably wrong but you and her can laugh at me all you want.

people there know better.

people who were there before, saw it and they certainly know better.

i maybe the loser now.

whatever it is that you have planned, YOU WONT WIN!

a love letter that was never sent.

moving out and moving on.

two things i'll be doing in due time.

moving out of this hellhole.

mostly on weekdays.

weekends i'll be back to pay my dues.

moving on because i was too late.

too little too late in fact.

for ignoring you for too long.

for listening to other people instead of my own heart.

for being too hard inside.

for lacking in confident in other people.

instincts have been coming rapidly yet i never learn from my mistakes.

i have no one to blame but myself.

i would be lying if i dont feel sad.

but she made it crystal clear to me.

i dont blame you, not at all.

this is not my first time anyway.

it happened before with mr A n ms P.


with that,

MOHD SHAQIB IZWAN B MAT YUSOFF, aku doakan engkau berbahagia dengan ZAINURIN HANAFI.
AMIN!

when hell freezes over...

what a controversial title isnt it? LOL

i just think that my blog is too icy to be thawed hence the surprising proverb.

though it is somewhat irrelevant.

for those who knows that im no longer employed in the meantime *sob*

im going to have to rely on MF for some of my expenses.

classes have been great except one (and may add one more)

it is certainly a chaos to have to be doing two different term papers for a course

simply because there are two different lecturers. i would say, 'pppfffttt'

im hyperventilating as we speak.

and FYI, im moving out soon.

will let you know how it goes.


p/s: you had me at menunaikan solat *wink*

;(

if i hardly say exactly what is on my mind and my heart, am i considered as hypocrite?

need feedback pronto.

daunting july.

my weekends in July were robbed off of me.

sports, extra classes, adjudicating debates (though inexperience).

i get to have the last weekend to myself.

watching movies and shopping.

i was not really complaining.

especially for the sports part.

because when she asked me whether i was there to watch or to root for you?

my usual answer would just be "just watching." nonchalantly.

however, another thing happened elsewhere.

in my heart.

i was happy seeing you.

i know, i know. i always say the opposites from how i actually feel.

does that make me pretentious?

you decide.

what does it mean when your loved one whom had passed on, visit other people in their dreams, but not you?

i know i can never understand that feeling until i experienced it myself.

the dark is pulling me back in.

come and take me away.

Last time I talked to you
You were lonely and out of place
You were looking down on me
Lost out in space

Laying underneath the stars
Strung out and feeling great
Watch the red orange glow
Watch it float away

Down here in the atmosphere
Garbage and city lights
Gonna save you’re tired soul
You’re gonna save our lives
Turn on the radio to
Find you in satellite
I’m waiting for the sky to fall
I’m waiting for a sign

And all we are
Is all so far

You’re falling back to me
The star that I can see
I know you’re out there somewhere out there
You’re falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you’re out there
Somewhere out there

Hope you remember me
When you’re homesick and need a change
I miss you’re purple hair
I miss the way you taste
I know you’ll come back some day
On a bed of nails I wait
I’m praying that you don’t burn out
Or fade away

And all we are
Is all so far

You’re falling back to me
The star that I can see
I know you’re out there somewhere out there
You’re falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you’re out there
Somewhere out there

You’re falling back to me
The star that I can see
I know you’re out there


You’re falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you’re out there
Somewhere out there

You’re falling back to me
The star that I can see
I know you’re out there somewhere out there
You’re falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you’re out there
Somewhere out there

You’re falling back to me
I know, I know

You’re falling out of reach
I know

throw in the towel

resistance is futile.

that is what they used to tell me.

which is why i still join in the bandwagon.

simply because i am a make-love-not-war kind of person.

i dont like confrontations

and the only confrontations i have ever done are in dreams.

yes, in dreams. whereby i subconsciously telling people off.

never in real life. pathetic i know.

self defence mechanism.

no matter how much i detest myself at times,

i wont let anything bad happen to me.

especially in rare circumstances.

such as in studies. i always play it safe, always.

you can never find me adventurous in eating even.

i think i have been through a lot.

emotionally.

just when i wanted to hang my hopes up,

something always deter me.

like when i participating in the jungle trekking.

climbing the hill with zero stamina.

i was at the point of passing out.

but i keep pushing myself.

not to faint or show signs of emergency needed.

i only realized then that i am not quitter.

unfortunately for me,

i am a quitter in that department.

i quit easily.

maybe it is because i do not have any actual experience to overcome it.

and with that, i withdraw myself.

can i choose not to name this?

i recently confessed to her that i actually like you. ;)

i dont know why i did that but the feeling has been there for a while.

i am just in this denial that people think i chose you over him because you are more good looking.

all this while, people around us have been telling me what a match we would be.

how we look alot alike.

how we smile the same way.

how our name starts with the same syllable.

how our fathers' names start and end with the same letter.

so she said "if those arent the indicators, what else?"

you do look like my paternal father figure.

which is why i kinda detest you in the first place.

but one thing is certain,

you have been the one chasing me, not vice versa.

i dont have to make any first move

i dont have to give any heavy hints

i definitely dont have to do everything

for whatever it is worth,

i chose you because you seem like someone who can save me.

like s used to say,

people need others to save them occasionally.

or something like that.

i probably need you to save me. *blush*

open wound

I’m on the floor
Counting one minute more
No one to break the silence

Staring into the night
All alone but that’s alright
It’s the feeling deep inside I don’t like

There is no excuse my friend
For breaking my heart
Breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
Your breaking my heart again

Here in my bed
Counting the words you’ve said
They linger in the shadows

Coming home late at night
Drunk again but that’s alright
It’s the look in your eyes I don’t like

giggity giggity goo!

i think i am more a hugs-and-pecks-on-cheeks kind of person ;)







i can always detect how a guy feels towards most of my friends and they were almost always bulls eye.







but when it comes to my own situation, it left me baffled.







what is not helping is the fact that i am probably being pursuit by dos muchacho(s).(if i am not making this thing up in my head)







p/s: seven is my new favourite number ^_^